temptation

She sits there on the floor next to her bed and plays with it. 

She knows what she is doing but she reasons with herself, it isn’t her pair of scissors so she should be fine right? 

She also knows it isn’t the smartest thing to do but it isn’t hurting anyone.

Her mind races, she knows she isn’t better, but she hates taking those stupid uppers, pretending to make her feel better, another day, another pill. So when she misplaced her prescription she wasn’t too sad, she was going to get better, be better, no problem. 

The only reason they gave them to her was because she wasn’t smiling as much, and of course those scars on her wrist, that was the biggest reason why they gave them to her probably. 

Those thoughts come flooding in and out of her mind as she sits there, safety pin in her hand, clicking it softly. She knows she shouldn’t, people would be mad, they think it is dumb, but it is her only escape. Maybe she will just keep it handy, just in case.

 She tries to do better, cleaning more, doing things the first time, doing extra things, just to please her mother. That is always a good thing when she can do that, because then no more fighting, or yelling, or making her feel bad, she likes not having that. 

Why not add another scratch? It is just one, but one turns into two, into three. The fact that the weather the next day is suppose to be 90 so she would look weird with a long sleeve shirt on…would anyone care? Take notice? Would work send her home? Would they just let it go but know that is was there.? 

Maybe she could do it somewhere else, like on her legs or something,, jeans cover it very well, and she can do it high enough her shorts will cover it, but she thinks that is dumb, she won’t do it there, she doesn’t know why, she likes it on her wrist. As creepy as it sounds, it relaxes her when she can see it, see her past decisions, not mistakes, decisions. 

She gets distracted and it lies there, glistening, calling her, she won’t answer it though, not this time, she will try and fight it…but they both know she can only fight it for so long, it will be waiting, or her scissors, whichever one looks more appealing to her. 

But for now, she is free…decision made.

Ironic, isn't it?

‘She knows how ironic this is, she might as well smoke, why not? But cigarettes, while damaging, are pleasurable too, and besides, Nicotine, that takes years before it hurts.’ – Willow 

That pretty much describes my life about two weeks ago. I never thought about it like that before, nor could I explain it. I tried a cigarette about two weeks ago. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either, but not that bad, which should have scared me, but it didn’t. The only reason why I haven’t done it again is because Laura. Laura told me it was bad, and dumb, which it probably is, but at the time I felt like it was the best thing, something that would make me feel better, especially then. It should have scared me but it didn’t, I should have been afraid of the consequences but I wasn’t, and that should have scared me. I should have ran the other direction, not given into the impulse. Every one probably has those impulses. They are defiantly less than they were, but every once and a while I feel like I should just have one, but then I remember Laura, and I remember that it won’t be worth it, just a quick fix, and Laura even said that isn’t true, so I listen. Just one, that is all I wanted, just one. However, like she said, Nicotine takes years before it hurts, and sometimes, I need it now.

It

It likes to mess with me.

It has a way of gnawing at me.

It knows me.

It can’t stop, I don’t want it to.

It takes pleasure in my torture.

It likes the chase. 

I don’t know if it is a friend or foe.

I struggle to get a hold of it.

I will catch it.

I.will.win 

The Mirror is a funny thing.

The Mirror distorts your perception.

The Mirror shows all.

The Mirror lets you see your wins and your fails.

The Mirror tears you apart, but makes you better.

I have tried to be good, do the right thing, the right way, but that gets me nowhere, so now we do things my way. 

I have plated its twisted little games for far too long. I am making up my own game and it plays by my rules. 

I have done this before so it remembers, that will make it happy. 

Everything else is falling apart so I need something to control again…and not just a sharp object.

Am I playing with fire? Probably, but I don’t mind, I don’t mind at all…..

And neither does it.

One Day

Of course, I am the disrespectful one

I am and the one who cops an attitude

I can’t be upset, no.

You can, you can do whatever you want.

You can be pissed off, you can scream, you can yell, you can be mean, you can have an attitude but as soon as I open my mouth I am the bad guy.

I have no right to be upset, no, not at all, I am not dealing with anything. I don’t care about your health, which is why I have to cut things down and not be able to do everything I would like to because I have to make sure you are okay.

I don’t care about your health at all, you are so right. I obviously don’t care about you at all because I have such an attitude.

I am sorry I am a 19 year old

I am sorry I make such a mess

I am sorry I leave everything everywhere

I am sorry I can’t do what I am suppose to the first time

I am sorry

Yes, bring my little brother into this too. Complain to him, vent to him, make him see me as the bad guy, that is just what I need, have my whole family against me.

What’s the point? What is the point of me living here? Oh right, because some of my stupid decisions have me unable to live anywhere else…..

The scissors are too pretty, they glint, they shine. No, I am not doing this for attention, I just don’t care anymore…..the slices feel good.

What is the point of living? All I seem to do is cause trouble everywhere I go. I talk too much, I can’t seem to do anything right, I leave a mess behind, I am a mess in general. I can’t even walk out of a high school without having everything fall all over the place.

All I want is a hug…..I just want a hug, and someone to tell me everything will be okay. Tell me that I can fix this. Tell me that I can clean up things, and that I can stop being a mess. Tell me that my parents will be okay. Tell me I won’t lose my family. Tell me that it isn’t my entire fault that her health is so bad. Just, I wish someone would tell me it is okay to cry. Tell me I can do this.

I am not though, I feel bad. I feel like I am bothering people if I tell them what is going on. I feel like they don’t really care, like I am some over dramatic teenager. I wish I didn’t feel that way, but I do. I know they don’t really care….so I try not to complain, it is easier to write it all out, makes me feel better anyways, at least people don’t have to listen and try to come up with something to say.

One day I will escape, go on an adventure, forget about this all and feel free…..one day.

For Once

for once I thought I did something right 
for once I tried not to fight 
for once I tried to not scream or yell 
for once I thought I didn't fail
for once I thought you finally understood 
for once I felt I did all that I could 
for once I thought you would be happy

I was wrong to think that....

for once I wish I wasn't  

Some wounds never heal

This was written on August 8, 2009 when my dad and I were having problems. It is short but not so sweet, anyways, here it is

Can we make this last a little bit longer?

Cause happiness was starting to feel good

Can you leave just a little bit later?

Cause we can’t afford to be left alone

Can we yell just a little bit quieter?

Cause I don’t want to hear it

Can we cry a little less tears?

Cause I am sick and tired of pretending

Can we calm all our fears?

Cause I don’t want to come home and find you gone

Can’t you see we need you here?

Cause I don’t think you see or feel anything

I don't want to want you, but I hate the way I do, I can't help the way I feel for you

I need to stop doing this…….

I need to stop falling for guys I can’t have

I need to stop wishing and getting my hopes up

I need to stop being jealous

I need to stop reading into things when they probably aren’t true

I need to stop, it hurts and I hate it

 ¿♥?

&&then I think I am finally over him when he looks at me and smiles

He messes with my hair

He does the small things that piss me off but in reality I absolutely adore

He makes me blush, I don’t even realize it

He seems to be looking around but I swear he looks at me, just sometimes, it may be a figment of my imagination but I can still hope

¿♥?

I feel like a high schooler again with a crush on the senior or the most popular guy in school

I look for him and look away really quickly if I think he knows I am looking for him

I get disappointed when I don’t actually see him

It’s like a sick obsession, but not really, more like a silly school girl crush

¿♥?

I hope this gets over and done with soon

I hope I can get over these feelings

I hope that I can……..I don’t know, I don’t know what I hope….

¿♥?

I know what I wish…….

I wish that he would do something spontaneous

I wish that he would kiss me, even just once……for a second

I wish that we can go out

I wish I could be 21…..that would be fun

I wish that I can wipe that stupidly attractive smirk off his face sometimes

I wish he could feel the way I feel........

What's a girl gotta do to get you out of her mind?